| i really don't have anything to say. i mean, i don't feel bitter today. which is new. i've kind of been a bitch for the last few weeks. now...i'm just...ehhhhh i don't really want to say it. stupid pride. it's funny because two months ago i'd gladly come on here and whine and pout about how shitty i have it because my boyfriend was so far away and i was aaaalll aloooone. now he's not my boyfriend and look how great i have it. see, it's like god said "here. you can have him, but he's going to be in michigan. now i'm going to make this really funny. you guys are going to break up and you're going to be all upset and he gets to come home! HAH!" yup. so that's where i'm at. because yeah, he's home. i guess. i don't really know for sure. and i swear i imagined him coming home a million times in my head and how i'd run up to him, or i'd finally just get to see him again. yeah, i'm pouting, so shove it. i just...i wanted to spend this time with him. and ok, maybe i could spend a little time with him so i can give him his stuff back and he can stand at my door and all i'm going to be able to do is look at him. because there he is. and here i am, but we're both different and we're further apart than i've ever felt from someone. but what do i care, right? funny part is, i do care. i mean, here he is, only a 20 minute drive away from me again...but he's my ex-boyfriend. and god, i'm crying for the millionth time since he left, but the first time since it all fell apart, i guess. i told you all i wouldn't tell, but i have a habit of letting people down: i do miss him. and i hate myself for it because i'm not supposed to. i'm supposed to tell myself "oh well, you're better off without him" but i don't feel that. i tell people i'm over him, but why the hell do i get so upset when i talk to him? it just doesn't help to have him talk to me like i'm nothing more than a friend. just his ex-girlfriend. how can he talk to me? i'm having a freaking breakdown, but don't tell him that, no, because i'm not allowed to be weak, that would require someone to "carry" me, and there's no one here to do that. ....he's never coming back. and i hate him, i hate myself, and i'm pissed off at god for doing this to me.
praying never got me anywhere. i may as well be talking to myself. i do that now. i have nice little conversations. i swear i'm losing my mind. and don't start talking about how "maybe it's because you're straying from god" because guess what. i was having episodes like this when i was all religious and "whoo god!" and all that stuff. i still went home and i still hated myself. i felt like killing myself more then, compared to now. and i don't blame that on christianity or god. that's my deal. and i was telling people how moral i was and how great my values were and i'm just the perfect girl...you don't want to know what i did. we'll just say that i don't act on my values, and i'm further from perfect than anyone just for being so hypocritical.
life is different for me now. because when everything around me changes, i have to change too. and maybe you don't like what i am now, and that's fine, i'll probably be down on my knees bawling to god next week when i need something to numb me for a while.
if that doesn't qualify me for hell, i don't know what will. and i don't want to go. but right now, i don't want to love god either. i just want to be happy. i don't know what that is.
but ladies, he's yours. there's nothing i can do about it. i just have to sit back and watch while some other girl makes him happy...happier than i could ever do. and he'll write you songs like he wrote me, and he'll tell you he loves you, and it will all be true. because things like that can't be erased. i hope you're athletic, poetic, and i hope you're not crazy...because i've got something wrong up there and that never made things easy. just be everything i'm not, that will be for the best.
happy thanksgiving. |
